[Solved] Can I have advice please ?

Hi

I've forwarded this to Fegans (the charity that runs this forum) to see if there is any help they can give you. Have you spoken to your GP, I would say that it might be worth seeing if you can get referred for some counselling.

hi,

yes it can be very difficult to co-parent. one parent or both can pick on every little thing and be so petty. how do you communicate with ex? if it's direct, then I think you should find a way to limit contact with him. if he's going to complain every time the child has a scratch, you can politely tell him that these things happen a lot to kids, and he can contact social/childrens services for some advice regarding this.

Thank you.I’m picking my battles here.

Ive been polite and fair. We communicate by email and in his defence he does communicate really well by email and informs me of stuff. We don’t talk face to face anymore. I know it going to be very difficult as It’s always the way with one parent Or even both yes unless you are lucky.

It’s funny my male friend did say it’s normally women who are become difficult but in some cases the man can be toxic too and use the children as weapon And yes he is one of those usually, he used to tell Me off for being too protective and that I have to get used to being a mum of boys And they will do a lot worse as they get older and unless it’s really serious let them play as they are.

I was the one out with the plaster if they fell over and grazed their knee, now every graze he pretends he is concerned lol.. my daughter is 7 and to be honest she wasn’t as physical as the boys at that age, and was more sensible if that’s even the right word ,aside from falling off a bike and scooter With my daughter but my 3 year old jumps of sofas!

I stop it and tell him off but they do it again. I barely take my eyes off him.

I just want the children to enjoy both parents and for us to move on and live in peace.. We have all been through enough.

Hi

It must be difficult to have to deal with things. I think there are a few things to consider.

Firstly it isn't an issue that you are causing, you cannot watch your kids all the time, nor should yo as they have to be allowed to explore the world including the rough and tumbles. It is how they learn and develop instinct and resilience.

You say he communicates well via email but maybe thats his comfort zone and its easier to articulate in writing rather than in person. In person he may have to be rational, listen and even concede ground which he doesn't want to do or doesn't know how to. Therefore maybe a mediator could help you guys to talk and clear up issues and come to some common ground?

Lastly, potentially based on his own childhood and experience with father, upon separation he has become overly protective of the kids? Maybe he is worried that you will find a way to prevent him being in kids lives and so is over protective but also picking faults so that he feels wanted and needed? I think you may need to suggest that he tackles his anxieties about things, maybe some counselling and a parenting course for him? Whether he does it or not is down to him, however you cant let him influence or change how you are with the kids as otherwise he is impacting on your relationship with them...

Just my thoughts.

All the best.

Thank you! two months later I’ve suggested mediation to him. He doesn’t stop. He wants my son who lives with me but sees every other weekend and one night a week and also I offered if he wants to see my son he can as he is only going to nursery 3 days a week at the moment.

I can’t do much better, he is hellbent on taking the kids and quite frankly due to his past and anxieties from his own separation from his biological father I think it comes from that. I have never ever said a bad word about him and I will never ever stop the kids seeing him but he needs to stop saying things that aren’t true to the kids to plant doubts in their minds. Thankfully my eldest knows it’s not true as she remembers but even she is not old enough to fully understand.
He said my son that lives with Him Was upset and didn’t want to see me last week and was distressed ? When I took him back to his dad he was happy and not upset. He is in the ASD spectrum and has settled so well with me when we started doing nights when he said he gets distressed I didn’t find that. He is already starting to say my son doesn’t want to come which is not true, he is very happy here every other weekend and when I had him for half term. I am afraid that he would not promote a good relationship with me and the kids. He has issues that are not me, I’m always fair, I don’t ask a penny off him and always tried to help him.
I will see how mediation goes. He once told me he is angry because that’s how he deals with things so this is challenging. I would say he is abusive but not physically. I honestly want to work with him not against him.

When I say abusive I mean that’s how he is with his own family who have kept low contact with him whilst his siblings also went through a hard time they have decided to go down another path and even though one isn’t with his partner they have arranged to share custody!

I asked him this when he turned on me before I left to do shared custody and it’s not bad has his brother does it and kids need both parents , well my goodness he said I’m not a wimp like my brother and went mad saying he has custody and I pay maintenance and he decides when to see the kids. I’m praying this all stops and he can see no one is against him but wanting what’s best for kids.

I hope it does go well, but I would plan just in case he doesn't act reasonably, so that you have a plan B.

I agree with actd and just wanted to add one point. Kids often say they don't want to go to or from the other parent but it doesn't mean anything. Add in ASD and any small changes can present as a problem temporarily. Mediation or family counselling could be a suggestion to put forward to him?

Sorry, you're having a hard time. Have you thought about having a contact book which goes between you with the children? You write down any current problems and it avoids the need to communicate in person or email. I think there is also an App for this. If you are concerned about your son who lives with him, you should contact social services and talk to them about the problems.