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Hi all,
Need some advice from step parents who've been through the same as this.
My partner and I have been together nearly 2 years and in that time I have watched and helped her now 3 year old grow to be an amazing little girl. Neither of us yet live with each other but the plan is to take that step in the next couple of years.
Bio dad was never around he left when partner was pregnant and popped up literally 1 or 2 times that is until about 8 months ago when he decided he now wanted a part of his daughters life.
I've found this difficult, the dynamic was always me, partner and daughter now he is involved and I've found this difficult to process. At her 3rd birthday his family where there and he made a big show of being the model father, really rubbing my nose in. When the cake was being cut he stepped up with my partner to do it with her and I felt so cut off and uninvolved it hurt real bad.
Myself and my partner have had a rough time because of him now being involved and not only what my role is but how it affects our relationship. I said to her that when we get our own place I really do not want him to be coming round as it's our home and if he wants to see his daughter he can do it at his or a neutral place but she thinks him coming round and having dinner and playing with his daughter in our house is fine.
Am I being unreasonable to ask this one thing?
Any help would be appreciated, thank you.
hi,
i have not experienced this step dad issue, but I think it's not nice at all. it would be like me stepping into my ex's place, to hang out with my kids. the only time this has happened is when the court ordered it :p their family would not tolerate this at all and would expect me to have my kids at my place, whenever I want to spend time with them.
i think you need to set some boundaries with your partner, or there will be serious issues going forward.
I agree with Bill, you need to set some boundaries, and you need to agree with your partner what those are, and I would certainly say that means that the bio dad has contact with his daughter away from your/your partner's home, and you need to agree with the father which dates are yours and which are his,
Hello, I would definitely agree with some of the other points stated - and say that for you and your partners relationship with your daughter, that her bio dad needs to meet with her somewhere else but not your new home. That is a safe haven for you and the family that you have been part of and an opportunity for a new journey. It must be hard for you seeing her bio father being part of her life, but this can work for your partner and you and your daughter if it is handled sensitively and with effective boundaries in place, so everyone knows what their role is. Wishing you all the best, Fegans Parent Support Volunteer
Hi,
No you're not being unreasonable about not wanting or expecting the biological dad to have his contact with his daughter inside the home you are planning to set up with your partner. Your feelings of discomfort as his sudden reappearance are completely understandable, but I think you'll have to talk these through either with a level-headed friend to help vent your frustrations at this situation that has developed, and/or in a level-headed manner with your partner.
It sounds like your partner is not allowing any resentment she might still feel at being abandoned during pregnancy, to deprive her daughter of establishing a belated relationship with her biological dad, which sounds like a mature approach. You can be supportive of her in doing this, while talking things through in terms of both coming up with boundaries so that everyone knows where they stand and what to expect.
The usual manner of contact would be for him to come and pick up his daughter and have his contact elsewhere with her, but it could be your partner is not comfortable with that yet, which is why the contact is happening at her home where she can keep an eye on things. It's possible she considers it'll be a long while before she can trust him to have their daughter solely in his care for any length of time.
It can't be easy having geared up to stepping up to be a father to your partner's child, to have that sidetracked by the bio dad's reappearance and change of heart. It probably can't be easy for your partner to be forgiving of the bio dad, but it does seem like she is putting what she sees as her daughter's best interests first, which she would want support from you in doing. Hopefully you can both talk through your feelings while trying to support these best interests.
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