[Solved] Advise please

The main thing to think about is...

If paying monthly or 90 days in advance is the same amount and you can afford to do (pay in advance) then is it really worth losing access to the kids in the interim and court delays of 4 to 6 months just to debate frequency based on principle?

Sounds like you had made good progress with things in general..

If you can't afford to then demonstrate this to ex and come to some sort of agreement.

Good luck..

hi,

that's a shame. you applied for c100 right? when is your hearing?

maybe you could give into her silly demand for now. when child arrangements are sorted out via court, you can dump the child minder thingy and go through child maintenance service.

Update.

So tonight I have recieved the following email from her.

Also is there a list of items you would like from this house which I can keep passing over to you mum on collection? If not then I can clear out as I wish to.

Can she do that. We are not divorced yet and the items are in the house which I part own.

Tricky one this but I would suggest that as she is engaging with you, that you make arrangements in relation to your belongings.. i can't see any reason not to..?

Whether you are divorced or not unless you have an itemised inventory and receipts how would you evidence that she destroyed or sold your belongings? You are also unlikely to sue her or try to add the lost value to the marital estate as any disputes may cost more than the items are worth to resolve (costs you will have to incur). If the items are of any value and she is offering to give them to you then take them..better you have them than she gets rid of them..

The question of whether she can or not is irrelevant except based on a matter or principle.

However this article may help, which explains that as long as she serves notice correctly, if you then fail to collect she can dispose of them as she sees fit.. in my opinion if you put her in a position where she has to serve proper legal notice then it will only lead to a total breakdown in communication etc.

https://www.crippspg.co.uk/family-law/what-happens-if-following-divorce-your-ex-wont-collect-their-things/

I'm sure many of us on here have lost lots of personal belongings without being able to challenge based on the prohibitive costs..

Good luck..

Cloud,

What happened in relation to your pets? How did you resolve the child minder invoice? How is contact with the children going?

Do you still have a hearing listed for September?

So I paid the child minder in full and I had to apologise to my wife for going to my house wife my mum, this was the only way I would get to see the children. I have since contacted the police and they have it logged that she blackmailed me.

The pets are still there, but on the email from last night she wants them out by the end of the month as she doesn't have time for them. However my daughter told me that they are getting a dog soon.

Contact with the children is good, they are always very pleased to see me. I think we are close to sorting out child arrangements so I just need to find out how I get that officially signed off by the court. The court date in September is still open

Once all the above is done, then I'm moving onto finances. The way I see it she has 3 choices regarding the house
1) We share/nest
2)She stays there but buys me out
3)We sell the house and share the equality

Hi Cloud,

Sounds like you have made the necessary positive compromises in order to focus on getting access to your kids.

Don't get hung up on things like pets etc.,

To resolve contact if you and ex agree what long term contact should look like then you need to get a consent order from court. I'm sure another poster on here can advise.

In relation to the house do not give her ultimatums do it via courts and paperwork. Family court judges have wide ranging powers including changing the equity split or allowing ex to live in property until youngest is 18 etc. I'm not saying this to worry but more for you to be aware and prepare your argument.

I would also take the whole nesting suggestion off the table, when you mention you are going to resolve finances that is as part of divorce and finances and so you nesting just cannot work and in fact if you try it and it goes wrong then you could lose access to the kids if she says she feels harassd or threatened.. (how would nesting work with new partners etc?) Can she afford to buy you out? If not then this isn't really an option either.

With the relationship being over aim for a clean break agreement and focus on the kids. Also make sure you don't have large savings or wealth that your ex can use to say that you can fund yourself and her or allow her to stay in house and for you to carry on paying mortgage etc (judges can order this too)...

Research and plan your strategy for a clean break. Try to agree as much as you can with your ex directly if you want 50:50 as the courts can be unpredictable esp where there are kids involved.

I know a father who rents his own place and has agreed that ex and kids to live in former home but she pays all the mortgage and bills but he will get 50% share once youngest is 18. In return he gets his kids 3 nights every week, in return his ex and kids gets stability.. His ex couldn't afford to buy him out and they had such a good mortgage agreement that it would cost her more to rent than the mortgage payments anyway.

Thanks

Thanks for the advice. I don't think my wife could buy me out at the moment. Its a difficult position as i want the kids to stay in the family home but at the same time i want to get myself sorted so that i can provide a place for them, rather than staying at my parents. In regards to the house its worth around 300k with 125k left on the mortgage. As we live near the coast, there are a lot of holiday parks nearby, I have been considering getting one of those.

As much as my wife has been terrible to me, i don't want to see her have to live in a horrible area with the children if we do decide to sell the house. At the moment though she is just assuming the house is hers and is happy for me to pay the bills;

The 175k equity split 2 ways won't give either of you enough to buy anything although maybe with a mortgage..

Does she work? Can she pay or contribute towards the mortgage?

Based on what you've said its why I'm suggesting that you really think about the realistic options available and your focus to be on your access to the kids whilst resolving the fianances.. its a complex situation with often no obvious solutions but if you both make comprises and are realistic then you can negotiate a way forward..

Avoid unrealistic options as part of ultimatums.. this could get your ex to become defensive, if you end up facing false allegations then family court judges can make life difficult for you not just in relation to the kids but also your finances too..

Good luck..

ps, do not take the option of your ex having to move to a horrible area off the table either..

You do not want to be in a situation where your ex lives in the house with the kids comfortably whilst you forever are scrabling around to survive either at your parents or in horrible areas yourself.. this is what the kids will see and may put them off visiting you or you may not be comfortable them visiting you.

Its all about getting the balance right which is not easy but something to think about.

Your priority has to be looking after yourself first and not the kids. If you are in a good position then you can do good things for the kids, if you are not (mentally and physically) then you cannot support the kids.

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

I am so happy that you have been focussing so much on your childrens' wellbeing. You are very wise to do this, especially right now when the family breakdown is fresh.

Sadly many children whose dads don't focus on their children in the way you have are badly affected in their mental health.

Your selfless (ie NOT selfish!) instinct to minimise the upheaval to your children during what is already a time of massive change and upheaval for them will pay off in the long run. Even if your ex is behaving badly towards you right now - especially if she is, as you say, heading for a breakdown - the more you can reassure your daughter that you love her and are always there for her the safer she will feel.

Thank you for all the kind words and advice.

Regarding the child arrangements/parental plan. If my wife and i do agree, what is the best way to get it legally binding. I don't trust my wife and i believe she would try and mess me around so i would feel a lot better if it is signed off by the court