[Solved] A Single Dad Planning Living Arrangements

Hi Tizzy

A very interesting set of points you pose. I think we have all had thoughts along the lines you describe..

What I would say is that your decision making also has to include what is right and best for you too.

You mention that you are currently near friends and family, this has significant benefits for you. If you do decide to bite the bullet and move closer there is no guarantee that at some point in the future your daughter will decide to spend less time with you. Not for any bad reason such as alienation or that she doesn't love you but thats just what she wants to do. Eg she may end up starting after school clubs/classes that she wants her mum to take her to regardless of whose day it is to take her.. (or vice versa)..

Alternatively she may also enjoy coming to where you are now as it gives her a bit of an escape from where she currently is and it's different. She may make some good friends near you and appreciate a set of friends who she can spend time with who are not the same friends she spends day in day out with at school etc.

Unfortunately there are no crystal [censored] and making sure that you are settled, happy, in a place you enjoy will give you the best foundations to provide a great home for your daughter. Whether that is where you currently are or if you decide to move.

All the best.

Hello,
I am a single dad to a seven-year-old daughter. After separating from her mum, I struggled to obtain a fair division of time on behalf of my daughter so that she could benefit from an upbringing with both parents. As such, I had to endure a lengthy court process in order to be awarded with a Child Arrangements Order which determined that she would live with each parent for half of her time. It was tough going, but I am so glad that I stuck with it as I have a fantastic relationship with my daughter and she really benefits from the time that she spends with each parent.
My ex-wife and I live 15 miles from each other and my daughter’s school is closer to where her mum lives. At the moment this is not an issue, as I can drop-off and pick-up from school quite easily as the route is normally clear. Also, as she young, she still spends the majority of her time with her parents, and we arrange play-dates for her at each home. It works well.
I am experiencing quite a lot of parental alienation from her mum, who is obviously not happy with having lost time following the court hearing, and she now regularly tells my daughter that she would be better living with her for more of the time and also advising her that she will soon be able to decide herself who to spend the majority of her time with. There’s lots of further discrediting of my position as my daughter’s dad from her mum and encouragement for her to start doing things in the way that her mum wants her to. My daughter tells me all of this news voluntarily, and also says that she likes things as they are, which is lovely to hear. However, I’m worried that the constant bombardment of negative information, particularly as my daughter gets older, may eventually start to stick and ultimately affect the balance of time. Additionally, as she grows up, I’m concerned that my daughter will prefer to be based in one home, and probably the one that’s closer to her school - because she might want to meet friends after class in the late-afternoon and early-evening. This will be very difficult on the days when she is living with me due to the distance.
I know this point in time is some distance away, but I would prefer to make a decision about my future living arrangements now because I need to start renovating my home and begin to build a network for my daughter so that she has friends in our area as well as those that she is starting to make at school. I’m finding it hard to get the motivation to build a new life and home if I’m only going to have to sell up and move closer to her school in several years time - so am now wondering whether I’m better off moving closer to her school now and then establishing myself there.
I actually don’t want to do this, because I’m happy living where we are at the moment - near friends and family - but maybe it’s easier to bite-the-bullet and move now rather than always having the worry of having to move if my daughter decides that she needs to be closer to her school and friends when she gets older. I do not want to jeopardise the life that I have with my daughter just because I live too far away from where she will want to be.
My initial thoughts are that I should wait until she finishes primary school and I know where she will be attending secondary school - and then maybe move a year or two after this, when she hits her teens and starts to become more involved with her friends outside of school. Still, even though this buys me time, it would still mean that I have a move ahead of me - which is affecting my motivation to do anything where I am now. Hopefully this makes sense.
Any thoughts?
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

Hi Tizzy

A very interesting set of points you pose. I think we have all had thoughts along the lines you describe..

What I would say is that your decision making also has to include what is right and best for you too.

You mention that you are currently near friends and family, this has significant benefits for you. If you do decide to bite the bullet and move closer there is no guarantee that at some point in the future your daughter will decide to spend less time with you. Not for any bad reason such as alienation or that she doesn't love you but thats just what she wants to do. Eg she may end up starting after school clubs/classes that she wants her mum to take her to regardless of whose day it is to take her.. (or vice versa)..

Alternatively she may also enjoy coming to where you are now as it gives her a bit of an escape from where she currently is and it's different. She may make some good friends near you and appreciate a set of friends who she can spend time with who are not the same friends she spends day in day out with at school etc.

Unfortunately there are no crystal [censored] and making sure that you are settled, happy, in a place you enjoy will give you the best foundations to provide a great home for your daughter. Whether that is where you currently are or if you decide to move.

All the best.

——
Thank you, Daddyup - that’s good information for consideration.

I fully agree that if you’re happy within yourself (which includes where you’re living) then you will make a better home for your children - and I’m currently very happy where I am. I also appreciate that life changes and it’s rare to find something that is static/ permanent. So, if I need to move, then I will just need do it - and this becomes the thing that needs to change. But, I’d sooner stay where I am. My dad has just turned 80, and he doesn’t live too far away, so it’s good to be able to look out for him. Plus, my mum is in a care home about 7 or 8 miles away suffering with dementia, and it will be good (when the coronavirus mist has finally lifted) to drop in there when I can. So, I’m a bit caught.
I find it quite easy to make friends as I’m sociable type - so initially thought it should be okay to make new mates after a move. However, I then realised that as we get older it’s not as easy to meet people; not like when we were younger. Plus, when my daughter it’s her teens, she won’t want to hang around with me, go cycling, take walks - she’ll want to be with her friends and I’ll be Billy-No-Mates! I was exactly the same when I was a teenager, probably like all of us - I hardly saw my parents even though I lived in the same house as them.
So, I’ll see how I get on. Who knows, I might have even met somebody by then, and then it all changes again!
Thanks again for your thoughts.

Thank you for your reply.
I accidentally posted in 2 forums, so I’ve replied to you in the other one.

You're welcome.

Its always tricky and deciding what's best is hard.

Imagine if you move, would you be always worried about your parents? How would that impact you and mental health when with your daughter. Also once Covid lifts, by living where you are will you daughter get to see her grand parents and the benefits that gives?

Only you can make the decision.. The key is to appreciate that there are often more things to consider than initially thought..

Hope you manage to find the way forward..