Welcome to the DAD.Info forum: Important Information – open to read:
Our forum aims to provide support and guidance where it can, however we may not always have the answer. The forum is not moderated 24 hours a day, so If you – or someone you know – are being harmed or in immediate danger of being harmed, call the police on 999.
Alternatively, if you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123.
If you are worried about you or someone you know is at risk of harm, please click here: How we can help
Hi all
My son is turning 18 in May. His mum and I have been separated for 12 years. Since he turned 16, we have been encouraging him to find a job but doesn’t want to do anything except football coaching. He got into the local club and does 2 hours a week, and whilst he recognises this is not enough hours to earn money, he is adamant he will not work in another job. Apparently a fish n chip shop is embarrassing and smelly. I was not happy and reminded him on how lucky he is! And there is nothing wrong working in a fish n chip shop.
He mainly stays with his Mum since being 16,m only wants Dad when he needs money or a favour. He’s been reminded that when he turns 18 he needs to pay for his keep and currently he can’t. He doesn’t care.
His mum and I don’t always agree and I have tried to advise her that she needs to stop umbrella parenting, and doing everything for him. He will not learn otherwise. He recently found a girlfriend online 6 months ago, who loves 250 miles away and they have met once. Their stories change a lot and there have been a few lies which means that we can no longer trust what he says. Since meeting this girl, he has alienated his friends, rude, disrespectful back to his parents and sister. Whatever you say to him, he knows best and thinks he knows it all.
Both mum and I having spoken to him in an adult way but he has lashed out a few times, hitting a wall and storming out. He knows it is not acceptable. He continues to not have any drive to do anything. We thought finding a GF would push him on but it seems to have made him worse. His GF hasn’t been entirely honest with her parents and now her dad and I are chatting regularly to keep an eye. My son wants to go and see her but his mum has said no until he is 18 because he is being played. She is 18 and he asked if he could stay with her in a hotel if she came down and both mum and I said no.
His GF hasn’t supposed to come down 5 times since meeting but has not done it once. Speaking to her dad, he doesn't believe she will because she’s never been on a train or driven on a dual carriageway, a nervous individually. Her dad and I are amazed that they must speak around 3-4 hours a day and text constantly. They not even dated yet and my son is infatuated with her! It is a worry.
At the moment it is all give and no take. Does anyone have similar experiences, any suggestions on how to tackle this situation.
Hi
Firstly I would consider that it is perfectly normal for teenagers to want to keep things private and to have secrets or tell lies in this respect. When they were younger, we as parents, could control and know everything about them, but now they are transitioning into adulthood they rightly want to keep some things private. And these may be things in their life that aren't even that 'important' to us but they are entitled to have their privacy. It is a way they can have control of elements of their life. So respecting that, helps to embed a more respectful and equal relationship between parent and teenager/young person. Let them know that you understand that they don't wish to share everything and that is ok, but explain the reasons why you may want to know some info - eg your concern that he may not know the online contact (in this case his GF) very well and the risks hat are linked with that. They won't really be able to place themselves in the parent role and fully understand this angle all the time, since the teenage brain is such that it is more inclined to risk-taking and wanting to fit in with peers than with doing some of the 'sensible' stuff that the parents prioritise! But you are connecting with them by explaining on an equal level (not as a parent talking to a younger child) why you feel this is important to you.
Could you sit and take time with your son to let him know that you have noticed differences in his behaviour and relationships with family and friends? Not to make him feel bad but with the intention to find out how he is doing and feeling. Tell him what you have noticed ad how this is worrying you and ask how he is feeling. Be curious, it can be an automatic reflex to be judgemental or to want to fix something for them. But listening and asking questions to show you are interested and curious. Suggest you would like to support him if you can and together you can come up with some ideas and steps forward.
It sounds like your son is getting on very well with his GF and that they can chat easily together, albeit online. Maybe you could consider that he can meet with her if they are both old enough? If we ban something, then they often are more driven towards it. Parents should consider that they would probably rather be there alongside their teen, knowing more or less what is going on, supporting them and with their teen knowing that you are there if they need you, is preferable to it happening anyway in secret.
Try putting 'Teens' into the search tab on the Dad info website and you can look back to earlier entries to at the bottom of that search. There are lots of articles about parenting teens that are relevant to you here.
Welcome to the DAD.info forum.
We don’t like to set ‘rules’, but to make sure that you and the other dads are kept safe, we have some requests. When engaging with the forum, please be aware of the following:
- The forum is not moderated 24 hours per day.
- Many of the moderators do so on a voluntary basis. Whilst they may be able to provide some guidance, advice or support, they may not be able to deal with specifics.
- We are not an emergency crisis service so if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call emergency services.
- If you are concerned about the safety of a child, please click here to find the support you can get for them (link to new page)
- If you are in crisis, please call Samaritans on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days per week.
We hope you find this forum a supportive environment and thank you for joining us.