“How often do you see your kids since your divorce?”
“How many nights a week am I entitled to have my children over?”
“Is spending every other weekend with my child enough?”
These are questions that come up time and time again from dads in our forum. They want to know what their rights are and how much time other dads are spending with their children post separation. And crucially they are worried about what impact the contact arrangements will have on their relationship with their children.
What does the law say about how much time fathers can spend with their children?
The law says that as a parent you have a right to spend quality time with your child but it doesn’t specify how much. There are no set rules and every family situation is unique. Some typical arrangements might involve:
- Equal parenting where the child spends half the week with each parent
- Alternate weekends with some mid-week contact
- Resident parent – where your child lives with you the majority of the time
- Weekend contact only, with longer stays during the school holidays
The routine you agree will naturally need to be adapted as your child gets older – and as your own circumstances change – so be prepared to be flexible.
What to consider when agreeing child arrangements after separation
There are many practical factors to consider when working out what arrangement is best, including each parent’s working hours, the distance between both parents’ homes and whether your child can cope with overnight stays and commutes during term time. You will also need to agree how you will stay in contact with your child when they aren’t spending time with you.
Putting the child first
Ideally parents should be able to agree a co-parenting plan together which prioritises the child’s wellbeing and enables the child to have regular contact with both parents (unless there is a history or risk of abuse). If parents can’t come to an agreement between themselves, or through family mediation, then the family court will make a decision based on the best interests of the child and the child’s own preferences (if they are old enough to express them), rather than a strict 50/50 split.
The Ministry of Justice has a guide to agreeing child arrangements here.
You can also find resources to help you make arrangements for your children on the CAFCASS website.
Children missing out on contact with dads post-separation
A survey of separated parents carried out by DAD.info found that children are missing out on contact with their dads:
- 38% of mums say their children do not spend time with their dads following separation or divorce
- Almost two thirds of dads (64%) do not see their children for a period of time when the relationship with the other parents breaks down compared with mums (26%).
- One in five dads (19%) who lost contact did not see their children for over six months
- The main reason parents gave for not seeing their children was to avoid further conflict with their ex
How do I avoid missing out on spending time with my children?
So what can you do to avoid missing out on time with your children? Of the survey respondents who did see their children, a number of key trends emerged such as remaining amicable with their ex partner, keeping lines of communication open, and showing respect for the other parent, particularly in front of the children. Family mediation is a significant source of support during separation (cited by 32% of Dads and 25% of Mums) which is much cheaper and easier than going to court.
Free Parenting After Separation Course
Ending a relationship where children are involved can be an incredibly upsetting time – and it can be hard to know where to begin. If you would like some support in transforming your child’s experience of family breakdown you could sign up to a free online course on co-parenting after separation. The course developed by Spurgeons includes on-demand lessons through animations and videos from parenting coaches and downloadable support materials.
Dad Simon took part in Spurgeons parenting after separation course when his own marriage broke down because he didn’t want his daughter Emily to have the same experience he did when his parents separated: “I only saw my dad once a month after my parents divorced, and I found it very difficult being in a wholly female environment. The only male role models I really had were teachers at school. I do now have a positive relationship with my father but the journey was challenging as my parents didn’t embrace co-parenting principles.
‘Years later, when my own marriage broke down, I wanted things to be different for Emily, our six-year-old. I wanted her to be able to look up to both her parents as role models, for us to have equal custody and time with her.
‘Now, after almost a year of living as a separated family, Emily understands that we can be happy and separate. My ex and I avoided legal conflict by using the ‘No Fault’ divorce law. We managed to divide our assets amicably and have a 50:50 co-parenting arrangement where Emily’s well-being is our priority. Emily is healthy and happy and is doing well at school. My ex and I make a big effort to strike middle ground and avoid conflict in front of Emily – it’s important she sees we’re working together.”
