If your child seems exasperated when their drawing hasn’t gone ‘right’, or gets frustrated because their school performance isn’t perfect, they may be a perfectionist. Perfectionism in children is common, and can be seen as a positive trait, as it spurs the child to do their best. However, it can lead to self-criticism and being hard on themselves. In extreme cases, it can lead to self-harm and anxiety.
Here’s everything you need to know about perfectionism and how to get your child to ease up on themselves:
What causes perfectionism in children?
Children can become perfectionists for a number of reasons. One possibility is taking on the traits of their parents- if they see you having high expectations of yourself (or them) and being self-critical, chances are they’ll do so too. If they are conscientious or hard-working naturally, this can also lead to perfectionism. Their temperament can also play a role.
If you feel you may have influenced their perfectionism inadvertently, don’t beat yourself up. Nobody is perfect, and you can help them from here on- read on for how.
Perfectionist traits
To tell if your child is a perfectionist, look for the following traits:
- Sensitive to criticism
- Being self-conscious
- Low self-esteem
- Self-criticism
- Fear of failure
- High expectations for themselves.
How to help a perfectionist
‘Perfectionism can spur us on to do our best or lead to a huge fear of failure,’ explains Nicola Baldwin, Parenting Lead at Spurgeons. ‘Self-criticism can lead to low self-esteem. Teach your child that it’s ok to make mistakes and that something can be “good enough” and that’s ok!’
Nicola also recommends modelling getting things wrong, and teach your child that everyone does- it’s part of life. You can also model saying sorry and learning from mistakes.
Also, encourage self-care. ‘We are important and need to look after ourselves,’ says Nicola. ‘We all need a pyjama day occasionally to recharge our batteries – resting is vital for our physical and mental health!’
Another tactic when your child is worried about something is to point out what you think is good about the situation. This helps them focus on the positive. For example, if they are concerned that their homework isn’t up to scratch, suggest that they worked hard which was good, and if their teacher suggests corrections they’ll be able to write even better next time.
Can perfectionism in children hold them back?
In short, yes. It might seem like perfectionism can lead to excellent school results and success, but in reality the obsessive parts of perfectionism can be a problem. Perfectionist kids can sometimes be so worried about failure that they don’t leave their comfort zone and stick to what they are best at. This can limit their growth and prevent them from trying new things or new opportunities.
Also, we learn from mistakes. Making mistakes is a healthy part of growing up and development. It’s important to not expect too much from ourselves and recognise that- kids need to know that too.
Lastly, praise the effort rather than the outcome. Trying hard at something- anything- is just as important and worth celebrating as a high test result. Focus on effort rather than school reports or success.
For more parenting advice, click here to see more from Spurgeons.
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