As adults we are well aware that being in an unhealthy relationship can negatively affect our wellbeing. So naturally, we want our children to enjoy healthy relationships, where they feel secure and supported. But this can feel tricky to navigate, if our own childhood or adult experiences have left us wounded ourselves. So, here’s how to improve a child’s social skills and relationships with their peers:
Healing wounds
Jane Cekic at Spurgeons runs many support groups for parents who have been in this situation. She explains why self-compassion is the first step: “We encourage parents to be compassionate towards themselves if they have been in abusive relationships or had an unhappy childhood. They need that time to heal and have hope that future relationships can look different. This provides an excellent role model to children that change is possible and enables us to break generational patterns that can be harmful to families.”
Jane encourages parents to routinely talk to their children about how we behave towards other family members and friends. Talking about what’s OK and what’s not OK is how we negotiate our boundaries.
“Let’s have kind hands please”
So, what is an age-appropriate way to handle this with very little ones? For pre-schools for example the emphasis should be on being a kind friend or sibling. Jane’s advice is, if you see behaviour that you don’t want – hitting or pushing for example – don’t just say no. Try to offer an alternative and give clear instructions. “Let’s have kind hands please.”
At this young age it is also important to celebrate difference and promote understanding of others. Autistic children for example may require more personal space or a particular routine, and other children can learn to respect that.
Negotiation skills
Friendship issues at school often peak around years four to six and this is a great opportunity for children to learn negotiation skills. “As a parent, it can be tempting to take charge but with a little encouragement, children can usually work it out by themselves,” says Jane.
Jane also warns against trying to fix things by confronting other parents, especially through social media. We’ve all regretted things posted in the heat of the moment! However, if you are concerned about bullying, do raise this with teaching staff so that this can be addressed appropriately with the support of the school.
Teenagers in love
During puberty children will start to pull away from their parents – this is a completely normal stage of development. Instead, they look to their peers – including social media – for
support and acceptance. It’s a scary time for us and a very confusing time for them as they try to figure out their own values. You can help by continuing to have those chats about what qualities they look for in a friend, boyfriend or girlfriend…
If you disapprove of a close relationship your child has formed, be careful how you approach this. Make an effort to get to know the new person in their lives. “Welcome them into your home and show some trust. Try to find a balance between giving them some independence whilst putting some boundaries in place to keep them safe,” suggests Jane.
Young love is all consuming – and heart breaking at times – so encourage your teen to value all relationships by staying connected to their wider friendship group and reminding them you love them.
You’ve got this
If you put in the groundwork by spending time communicating with your child from a young age, they will know they are loved and will be open to talking about relationships with you.
