Even the most blissful relationships can become fraught when becoming parents. Faced with sleepless nights and the heavy responsibility of caring for a little one, tensions can arise. And on it goes: day-to-day life with kids can include all manner of stressors and life is more busy than ever before.
Add children’s emotions to the mix and it doesn’t take much for the family home to become full of niggles and annoyance. If you’re wishing for a calmer home life with less angry remarks and slammed doors, here are some helpful tips for creating more peace:
Make a plan
If stress is arising in your relationship because of the responsibilities weighing on you both, then it can help to divvy-up the load. Include the kids in this and ensure they’re doing their fair share of tidying their rooms, hoovering, washing up, and looking after pets etc. Children can earn their pocket money by completing their chores- and you will have a few less things on your plate, too.
Everyone in the house can be in charge of their own chores. However, it’s important to also have a family culture of helping each other out and supporting one another, so if someone needs a hand, everyone pitches in.
Not only is this a good learning point for kids- to support other people- but it also encourages thinking of others and kindness too.
Take a breath, take a step back
When things boil over it can be tempting to rant and argue. However, it will only exacerbate the situation. Instead, take a breath and encourage everyone to step away. Children and teens often haven’t developed the parts of their brain yet that regulate emotions, so you can help them by enforcing a time out to calm down policy when things get heated.
How long the time out should last will depend on the age of your child- for example, a young primary school-aged child may just need 5 minutes to cool down and then need a hug. A 13 year old may need 20 minutes or more in their room to de-escalate their feelings. It may help to keep an eye on things from a safe distance- perhaps from the next room. If your child seems to be quiet or sounds upset, you can step in. If they are still ranting and raging, however, give them more time to relax before trying to talk to them and make peace.
Some good ways for children and teens to calm down might include listening to favourite music, cuddling a soft toy, or using a self soothe box- a shoebox filled with cherished photos, memories and calming items like stress balls. ‘Everyone finds different things useful to self-regulate,’ says Nicola Baldwin, Parenting Lead at Spurgeons. ‘It is important to take time to find out what works for us both as parents and for our children.’
Try to see things from other’s point of view
It can be hard to understand things from a child’s point of view, but even if you disagree, try to listen to their side. This shows them that their feelings are respected, even if you have a different opinion.
Trying to see the situation through their eyes- no matter what it is- can help diffuse the problem. Also, it helps to teach children from a young age that all feelings are valid- even the angry or sad ones- and that feelings are never ‘wrong’. It’s what we say or do in a situation that is important to consider- so they can feel sad that you won’t buy them the cuddly octopus, but hitting daddy over it is wrong, for example.
Make room for alone time
It can be easy to get swept along in the melee of day-to-day family life and end up with no time for yourself.
‘We only have so much energy and taking time to ourselves on our own really gives us the energy that we need to be better parents,’ says Nicola.
‘It might only mean 5 mins for a cup of tea, a walk around the garden or maybe a page of a book, but this help us to relax and be more understanding with ourselves and each other. If you can go for a run/swim/walk do so. Book in the time for yourself on the calendar in case you forget – parents often put themselves last which in the long run can lead to us becoming overwhelmed- so please make time for you!’
Have time alone with your partner
In the same way that your own batteries need recharging, the batteries in your relationship can need charging too. If the only time you get together is watching a brief bit of tv before bed, then your relationship may suffer.
Making the effort to spend some quality time together helps to offset the times during the week when stress levels are running high. Even if you only manage to snatch a few hours away from the kids once every two weeks, it’s important time that is invested in the strength of your bond. Those hours of connection between you will pay dividends afterwards.
You may also want to consider trying a new hobby or activity together, perhaps cooking a new recipe once a week or growing vegetables in the garden. Either way, quality time together makes for a stronger, healthier relationship.
Have 1-1 time with the kids
Can you see a pattern developing here? Yes, your kids benefit from special time together, too! Try and pick an activity that they’d love- maybe spend an hour on Saturday morning helping them perfect their dribbling skills with the football, or taking your daughter to get a bubble tea. Even sitting with your kids while they show you their Pokemon cards sends the message that they are important, which can lead to deeper bonds between you, and a calmer home as a result.
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