Discipline: the basics

No one likes being a disciplinarian – but as dads, we’re often expected to lay down the law. Exactly how we should do that can be confusing, especially with so much conflicting ‘expert’ advice. Here’s a guide to disciplining your child, from tantrum-ing toddler to stroppy teenager.

When we were kids, dads were the authority figures. If we were naughty, we heard those terrifying words, "Just wait till your father comes home!" When he did march through the door, we’d get a smack, bellowed at or sent to our room.

Although times have changed, kids still need boundaries and still need to learn right from wrong. But what’s the best way to keep our kids on the straight and narrow? If we watch parenting programmes on TV, we’re given a bewildering range of advice. One parenting expert tells us to plonk misbehaving toddlers on a ‘naughty step’, another says we should be kind and ignore bad behaviour.

To help make sense of it all, we asked Suzie Hayman from ParentlinePlus to answer some common questions about discipline.

• How dads affect kids

Should I ever smack my child?

Smacking
If you smack a child, the message you’re giving them is that you’ve lost control and that bully-boy tactics work Suzie Hayman, ParentlinePlus

Although it’s easy to lose your rag and smack your child, it’s always a bad idea. It will make you feel terrible and leave them angry and resentful. "Physical punishment is absolutely counterproductive," confirms Suzie. "Violence breeds violence – it doesn’t breed respect or love. And it’s the most ineffective form of discipline there is."

The other problem with smacking your child is that it teaches them that violence is acceptable. "If you smack a child, the message you’re giving them is that you’ve lost control and that bully-boy tactics work," adds Suzie.

How should I discipline my toddler?

Before your kids hit toddler-hood, there’s little point in disciplining them – they’re just too young to understand. But once the terrible twos start, managing their difficult behaviour will shoot to the top of your agenda. What to do?

"At this age it’s all about laying the foundations," says Suzie. "If you get it right when they’re a toddler it’s so much easier later on. The trap we often fall into is that when they’re playing nice and quietly, we leave them alone. When they start acting up we give them lots of attention. So a child learns that if they need attention they should act up."

So, try and praise good behaviour and ignore the bad. What about tantrums? "Remember that toddlers end up screaming because they can’t explain what they want," says Suzie. "And in a screaming fit they’ll often scare themselves too. So get down to their level and talk them calmly through it, don’t scream back at them."

• Toddlers

What about school-age kids?

Having established positive discipline with your toddler, by praising good behaviour and, wherever possible, ignoring bad, once they’re at school it’s more of the same. "The difference at this age is that you can talk things through with your child, which is infinitely easier," says Suzie. "Discussion is really important – try and negotiate things, telling them clearly what you want them to do and what the sanctions are if they don’t do them."

As they start living more independent lives you need to focus on what’s important. "It really doesn’t matter if they wear certain clothes or don’t tidy their room. But it does matter if they come home two hours late from school or get into a car with a stranger. Don’t sweat the small stuff but be very firm on those important things," advises Suzie.

• Children

And teenagers?

Once kids hit puberty all hell can break loose. Your once-placid daughter may start drinking, staying out late and meeting all kinds of unsavoury boys. But it’s important to keep your cool – losing your temper and screaming at her will just make matters worse. Keep praising the good behaviour and ignoring the bad. And try to treat her with respect.

"With teenagers, start thinking in terms of teamwork," says Suzie. "If they want to stay out all night and you want them home at ten, say, 'How can we find a compromise that suits us both?' If you listen to teens and ask for their help in finding a solution, you’ll be amazed at how sensible and cooperative they can be."

• Teenagers

What if I’m separated from them?

This advice is all well and good, but what if you’re separated from your kids and only have every other weekend to work on discipline? What if your ex lets them get away with murder, but expects you to lay down the law in the brief, precious time you have with them?

For starters, remember that those two days with you will be incredibly precious to your kids too – don’t ruin them by being too heavy-handed. According to Suzie, it’s far more important to agree a set of rules with your ex that apply to both homes. "Draw up a set of house rules and make it clear to your kids that anyone breaking those rules – including the adults – can be pulled up by anybody else."

"So, in this house we don’t swear, hit people, take each other’s things without asking, and so on. If you swear they can pull you up too – that makes it seem much fairer and gives everyone an incentive to obey the rules."

• Separation

Author

Dan Roberts is a feature-writer and columnist with over ten years’ experience of working for The Guardian, The Observer, The Independent, Daily Express and Mail on Sunday, as well as numerous national magazines. His areas of expertise include health, wellbeing, relationships, psychology and parenting. Dan also writes two monthly columns, including Diary of a Single Dad, a humorous but affectionate account of raising his ten-year-old son, Ben. The best of Dan’s work can be found on his website at www.dan-roberts.net

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